When we have a lifetime of abuse, bad experiences, etc., we do store up very unpleasant emotions. They crowd out any room for us that could be filled with God’s love. They become our heartbeat and we seek ways to medicate the pain because Western medicine excludes the spiritual aspect of healing.
So while we are numbing our pain we are also numbing our soul and that is what torments us.
After a while, we become separated from our soul and the drugs become our heartbeat, making us feel like we will die without them.
But we won’t die without them.
Instead, our soul dies a slow death and we no longer truly live life.
We merely exist in our own hell and tell ourselves that the drugs make us happy.
Its all a big lie and we let ourselves believe this lie.
We stop believing in God, the universe, etc.
We spend our time seeking our drug of choice, believing it keeps us going and makes us OK. All the while our soul is starving and the emptiness engulfs us so we continue to fill it with our drug. Then one day our soul screams out that it’s going to die due to neglect and starvation.
This is when we start waking up and stop enjoying this lifestyle and the struggle begins–our body and our soul is both screaming to be fed and we know we have to change or both our body and soul will die.
Our body can live w/o the drug.
Our soul will die from the drug.
We need to believe that there really is a power so much bigger than us and our problems.
We need to seek that and allow it to heal us and comfort us and stop believing our own lies. This is my belief and my experience.
In no way am I preaching or trying to convert anyone to my beliefs. I still have more questions than answers, but all I am doing is sharing my experience.
I hope it helps someone.
We have to believe in ourselves. In our potential. We have to WANT more for ourselves than to be a slave to a drug.
I’m a bit upset after spending a great deal of time and thought on my reply only to have it not show up when I posted it so I guess I’ll be working on that for awhile. Quite frustrating!
Hi Kay, when you post a comment to the blog, it needs to be manually approved by me before it posts. It’s just now morning here in Hawaii and I approved it as soon as I woke up. Additionally, if you want your response to be posted as you the author of this post, I can copy what you wrote and re-post this as you, so it doesn’t look like some anonymous person, but rather, the article’s author. I have to manually approve comments so people don’t post spam or post inappropriate things.
I just spent an hour replying and posted it. Where did it go?!
Wow thank you for reading this and for your heartfelt comments. It’s not scary at all. It’s a beautiful thing to wake up to! I’m in no way religious. My take on that is religion is for those who are afraid to go to hell, while spiritually is for those of us who have been to hell and are clawing our way out of it. We are not humans having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and we don’t have instructions on how to do that. What we have are people making religion that preach their religion is the one that God wants us to have or we will burn in hell. That’s fear-based and lacking in true spiritual love. Our spirituality is between ourselves and who we believe God is. It’s our innate knowledge that there is a creator who loves us and calls us to him. We are not the highest life form. We have to believe there is a loving power way greater than us and the more we seek this power the more we see how this power is there for us if we would but humble ourselves. The Bible will tell us we are not worthy of this love but that is not true at all. Why would our creator create us and then call us unworthy? No human truly knows that is gospel truth that we are unworthy of love. Religion was created to control the masses. Spirituality is personal. God does not want us to worship him. He wants us to love each other and edify each other. We are brainwashed to believe there is a right and wrong religion. The truth is our souls know what is right and wrong. We are born knowing that but then humans distort it and use fear to force us believe in their religion or God won’t want us. What a tragedy! The only scary thing about our souls waking up is when we ignore that and continue to let it die a slow death. You don’t have to go to church to be spiritual. You just have to feel the love inside you and share it with the suffering souls. Why do you think we suffer? Because we separate our souls from our entire life. We judge others. We drive on by the homeless and the hungry and look down on them because they are dirty and alcoholics and druggies. These are the truly suffering souls that no one loves. We blame God for our suffering so we must know there is a God. A being that waits patiently for his creation to wake up and listen for his quiet voice to guide us. You’ve heard it but it’s quiet and so easy to ignore. I don’t know what God is or if it’s even a gender. But when we open our eyes to every little thing in the big picture, we will see it. When I pray I pray to the one true God, and I listen and watch. My prayers get answered but not when or even how I expected. You may ask, then why do I suffer. Because humans do things, I do things, that makes my humaness lose faith. Using opiates and other drugs is my human choice and it separates me from my soul, from God, and from all good things. Understand that I am not preaching. Bad things have happened to me and I blamed God. But the reality is that everything humans touch is what taints our being, causes cancer, starts wars. The Gods in the old testament were living beings that were kings and lords, but not the most high God. This God is pure love and never tells us to fight wars and kill each other.
I’ve spent years studying ancient history and religions, as well as true translation of the Bible, and existentialism. This is what works for me. I don’t claim what I say is absolute truth but from my studies and searching I believe I’m on the right track. I’m not saying I’m right and you have to believe me, nor do I wish this to become a debate or argument. If it doesn’t resonate with you then at least search for yourself and pray for truth. Bill and Bob, who wrote the big book of alcoholics annonimous said that alcoholism is a spiritual malady but didn’t preach religion. They taught for us to have a God of our understanding, not their God or any religion. Just a power greater than ourselves, which isn’t a doornob or a tree or anything that can be thrown away or destroyed. It’s a power that is forever and will always be there no matter what.
I hope this helps you understand that you are a beautiful creation who has suffered at the hands of humans that never search for the pure light of God. They have darkened their soul and desire to darken the light of other souls. It’s a part of life that baffels me.
All you have to do is look within you, practice humility, make time to seek this power, and start a gratitude list. You will begin to believe there is One who loves you beyond any human and your life will change not only for you but for everyone you encounter.
I got on a roll! But my hope is that you find something I’ve said that will bring light to your soul and that you will find comfort and hope that your soul yearns for. I wrote this out of love.
I again have no words (and if you knew me you would know that is highly unusual!! Ask Matt, he has a few emails from me;)) but Kay you have a way with expressing yourself in words that draws a reader in!! Your experience resonates with my soul. I don’t know what I believe about god, etc. Coming from some pretty horrific ritualistic religious abuse I know I’m screwed!! But I have ways KNOWN I am deeply spiritual and yes I have shut that part of me down so thoroughly that the pain in waking up is almost more then I can bare!!! And yet…I want more!! 😉 Shit if self awareness doesn’t fucking ruin a return to Denialville!! Safe, gentle and healing hugs (having more questions then answers is the only way to go I’m my opinion!!)
That was so beautiful and aptly said and soooo true! Our brain tells us you need it and then you believe the lies. Im starting to meditate and do breathing exercises.. thanks Kay. Hang in there lady.
Oh my gosh….this is so where I am at. .your words reflect exactly what I have been going through. Bless you