I’m going to be extremely vulnerable in this post because I want you to know just how bad of an opiate addict I was in the past.
I believe that sharing the details of how severe my opiate addiction was will help you believe that if I can get off opiates and turn my life around…absolutely anyone can.
I may have my shit together nowadays, but there was a time in my life where I was such a horrible opiate addict, and I did many things that I look back on and just shake my head at what a sick person I was.
I really sucked at life.
So, I’m going to share things that I’ve never talked about on this Blog before.
I’ve written about my overdose and near death experience a few times, but the other things I’m about to reveal are things that I’ve never written about, and barely even spoken of.
Thus, here are some Confessions of a Former Opiate Addict: The Top 5 Worst Things I did on Opiates…
Table of Contents
1. Stole money from work
At the beginning of my opiate addiction, I was addicted to crushing up and snorting OxyContin (the old OC’s). I would spend all of my money (after paying rent) on OC’s.
The first time I ran out of money before payday, I borrowed money from a friend and lied about needing to purchase formula for my newborn baby. I went to his house to borrow $40, then went straight to my dealer’s house to purchase a 40 mg OC.
I did pay him back when I got paid the next day, but a few months later when I couldn’t borrow from anyone, I resorted to stealing $80 from the cash register where I worked so I could purchase an 80 mg OC.
I felt so guilty and shameful because I loved my boss and he was somewhat of a mentor to me.
2. Hid my addiction from my girlfriend
About six months into my opiate addiction, I met someone that I really liked and pursued her. Before I took her on our first date (which was an awesome concert), I brought her into my kitchen and crushed up an 80 mg OC and snorted around 60 mg of it then saved her the rest.
She snorted the remaining approximate 20 mg of OC and felt great, as did I.
We went on our first date and it was awesome. Shortly after that first date, we became a couple and she moved into my two bedroom apartment where my six-month-old baby girl and I lived.
We lived together for over a year and while we did opiates together every once in awhile, I was addicted to opiates and hid my addiction from her.
Around that time the OxyContin formulation was changed and they were no longer OC’s but OP’s. The makers of the medication changed the formulation so you couldn’t crush them up and snort them. Now opiate addicts had to swallow them and get the stupid time-released effect which sucked.
Since I and all the other OC addicts hated the new formulation of OxyContin, we all got addicted to Percocet and oxycodone.
Literally, the entire time I was with my girlfriend she had no idea I was a daily opioid user that needed constant opioids to prevent going into a horrific withdrawal syndrome.
3. Cheated on my girlfriend
And as if hiding my opiate addiction from my girlfriend while living together wasn’t bad enough, I finally did something MUCH worse. Towards the end of my opiate addiction, I was addicted to smoking black tar heroin.
Yes, I had finally graduated.
RX opiate addiction was “heroin addict training school.”
My girlfriend went to sleep, and while she was downstairs sleeping, I had sex with my ex-girlfriend/baby mama.
When I woke up the next morning I seriously could not even believe that I cheated on her…and while she was just downstairs in another room! What an idiot I was! My life was so out of control.
4. Brought my toddler with me to buy heroin
During the last two months of my heroin addiction, I did something else that was totally horrific. One day I didn’t have any heroin left and I also didn’t have anyone that could watch my daughter who was an 18-month-old toddler at the time.
My heroin dealer finally texted me after I had been waiting for several hours to score and he told me to meet him at a certain hotel which was a 15-minute drive from my house.
I drove to the meetup spot with my daughter in the car and bought heroin from him while my daughter was in the car seat sleeping.
If a cop busted me doing that, I’m sure I would’ve lost custody of my daughter. YOU DO NOT BRING CHILDREN WITH YOU IN THE CAR TO GO PURCHASE HEROIN!!!
5. Overdosed and almost left my daughter without a daddy
Probably a month or so after the incident I just explained above, I took too much methadone and Valium together, which resulted in an overdose. My mom found me on my bed laying on my back, and my face was grey, my lips were blue, and I had vomit coming out of my mouth.
She called 911 and the ambulance arrived on the scene just in time for an EMT to give me a naloxone shot which put me into instant opiate withdrawal and saved my life.
In the hospital, the doctor told my parents that if the ambulance had arrived another minute or two later I would’ve been dead.
Which means my 18-month-old daughter would’ve had to grow up without a daddy. That’s the worst thing I ever did as an opiate addict, and it’s also why I finally decided that “enough was enough,” and it was time to quit for good and take back control of my life.
I believe one of the reasons that I have always loved downers like alcohol, opiates, and benzos is because they helped me numb emotional trauma from the past.
When I was six-years-old my little brother and I were molested by a teenage boy who was a friend of the family. My brother was only three, and as far as I know, he doesn’t know that it ever happened, as I’ve never told him about it, and he was so young I doubt he remembers.
Then, when I was seven, I had a teenage babysitter watch me one evening, and they molested me for hours.
When I was 15, an adult man tried to molest me but I stopped him. I was 15 now and I wasn’t ever going to let that happen to me again.
But as my life went on, even though I was no longer getting molested, I had best friends betray me, girlfriends cheat on me, and trauma after trauma, the pain seemed never-ending.
Healing and Moving On
Present day, my life is NOTHING like it was in the past. For over three decades of my life, I endured a lot of pain, and to be quite honest, the vast majority of it was self-inflicted.
After I got off opiates and got healthy in body, mind, and spirit, I was so grateful to have a second chance at life.
I decided to start over.
I didn’t repress the past nor forget the horrible things that happened to me and the awful things I did to myself and others, but I made a conscioius decision to look forward.
I chose to learn how to not suck at life anymore.
My recovery has been nothing short of a fucking miracle.
Here it is over six years after conquering opiate addiction, and life is great. But even more impressive than that is the fact that my life quickly got better right after I got off heroin.
It all started with a simple intention to create a better life.
And the rest is history…
And I wouldn’t go back and change a thing.
Because all of the decisions I’ve made and actions I’ve taken have led me to here…
And “here” is a truly wonderful place.
I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in the world.
My Message to You
I think one of the main reasons my coaching clients feel so comfortable working with me is because of my empathy and nonjudgement towards them. There is truly nothing anyone can say they’ve done that would lead to me judging them or looking at them in a negative way.
I know from firsthand experience how opiate addiction can make some people lower their integrity and do things they would never do if they weren’t addicted to opiates.
If you’re feeling guilty or shameful about things you’ve done in your past, please have compassion for yourself.
We all make mistakes, and that’s just part of being human. We live and we learn, right?
Plus...You can change your life anytime you desire.
And most importantly, if fear is preventing you from moving forward…
If you feel stuck in a rut and it just seems too hard to change…
And if you’re currently dependent on opioids and wanting to break free from your chains of addiction…
I have a message for you:
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT IN LIFE BUT YOU HAVE TO USE COURAGE TO TAKE ACTION IN SPITE OF FEAR.
If you want to get off opioids and create the life of your dreams, where you’re happy, healthy, love your work or business, fulfilled, and living a life of meaning…
Go make it happen.
Ya Ya…I know. You’re going to have to endure a bit of temporary pain but once you do that, you’ll be free. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be to change.
So if your addiction is even 1/10 as bad as mine was, I encourage you to make a decision right here and now that you will no longer be a slave to opioid dependence.
Take back control of your life.
Don’t live another day as a slave to a stupid drug that controls your every decision and action.
I’m living proof that the biggest fuckup can make a 180-degree turnaround.
Now it’s your time to shine.
Go out there and show the world and yourself what you’re really made of.
You’re a beautiful soul. You’re good enough. You’re worthy. You’re amazing. And you’re truly capable of changing your life.
Take good care of yourself, and if you have any comments or questions, I’d love to read and respond to them.