I’m going to be extremely vulnerable in this post because I want you to know just how bad of an opiate addict I was in the past.
Why?
I believe that sharing the details of how severe my opiate addiction was will help you believe that if I can get off opiates and turn my life around…absolutely anyone can.
I may have my shit together nowadays, but there was a time in my life where I was such a horrible opiate addict, and I did many things that I look back on and just shake my head at what a sick person I was.
I really sucked at life.
So, I’m going to share things that I’ve never talked about on this Blog before.
I’ve written about my overdose and near death experience a few times, but the other things I’m about to reveal are things that I’ve never written about, and barely even spoken of.
Thus, here are some Confessions of a Former Opiate Addict: The Top 5 Worst Things I did on Opiates…
1. Stole money from work
At the beginning of my opiate addiction, I was addicted to crushing up and snorting OxyContin (the old OC’s). I would spend all of my money (after paying rent) on OC’s.
The first time I ran out of money before payday, I borrowed money from a friend and lied about needing to purchase formula for my newborn baby. I went to his house to borrow $40, then went straight to my dealer’s house to purchase a 40 mg OC.
I did pay him back when I got paid the next day, but a few months later when I couldn’t borrow from anyone, I resorted to stealing $80 from the cash register where I worked so I could purchase an 80 mg OC.
I felt so guilty and shameful because I loved my boss and he was somewhat of a mentor to me.
2. Hid my addiction from my girlfriend
About six months into my opiate addiction, I met someone that I really liked and pursued her. Before I took her on our first date (which was an awesome concert), I brought her into my kitchen and crushed up an 80 mg OC and snorted around 60 mg of it then saved her the rest.
She snorted the remaining approximate 20 mg of OC and felt great, as did I.
We went on our first date and it was awesome. Shortly after that first date, we became a couple and she moved into my two bedroom apartment where my six-month-old baby girl and I lived.
We lived together for over a year and while we did opiates together every once in awhile, I was addicted to opiates and hid my addiction from her.
Around that time the OxyContin formulation was changed and they were no longer OC’s but OP’s. The makers of the medication changed the formulation so you couldn’t crush them up and snort them. Now opiate addicts had to swallow them and get the stupid time-released effect which sucked.
Since I and all the other OC addicts hated the new formulation of OxyContin, we all got addicted to Percocet and oxycodone.
Literally, the entire time I was with my girlfriend she had no idea I was a daily opioid user that needed constant opioids to prevent going into a horrific withdrawal syndrome.
3. Cheated on my girlfriend
And as if hiding my opiate addiction from my girlfriend while living together wasn’t bad enough, I finally did something MUCH worse. Towards the end of my opiate addiction, I was addicted to smoking black tar heroin.
Yes, I had finally graduated.
RX opiate addiction was “heroin addict training school.”
One evening I got high on heroin with my girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend too (who was my baby’s momma). We all smoked heroin together and while we were at it, we even took Xanax and alcohol as well.
My girlfriend went to sleep, and while she was downstairs sleeping, I had sex with my ex-girlfriend/baby mama.
When I woke up the next morning I seriously could not even believe that I cheated on her…and while she was just downstairs in another room! What an idiot I was! My life was so out of control.
4. Brought my toddler with me to buy heroin
During the last two months of my heroin addiction, I did something else that was totally horrific. One day I didn’t have any heroin left and I also didn’t have anyone that could watch my daughter who was an 18-month-old toddler at the time.
My heroin dealer finally texted me after I had been waiting for several hours to score and he told me to meet him at a certain hotel which was a 15-minute drive from my house.
I drove to the meetup spot with my daughter in the car and bought heroin from him while my daughter was in the car seat sleeping.
If a cop busted me doing that, I’m sure I would’ve lost custody of my daughter. YOU DO NOT BRING CHILDREN WITH YOU IN THE CAR TO GO PURCHASE HEROIN!!!
5. Overdosed and almost left my daughter without a daddy
Probably a month or so after the incident I just explained above, I took too much methadone and Valium together, which resulted in an overdose. My mom found me on my bed laying on my back, and my face was grey, my lips were blue, and I had vomit coming out of my mouth.
She called 911 and the ambulance arrived on the scene just in time for an EMT to give me a naloxone shot which put me into instant opiate withdrawal and saved my life.
In the hospital, the doctor told my parents that if the ambulance had arrived another minute or two later I would’ve been dead.
Which means my 18-month-old daughter would’ve had to grow up without a daddy. That’s the worst thing I ever did as an opiate addict, and it’s also why I finally decided that “enough was enough,” and it was time to quit for good and take back control of my life.
Childhood Trauma
I believe one of the reasons that I have always loved downers like alcohol, opiates, and benzos is because they helped me numb emotional trauma from the past.
When I was six-years-old my little brother and I were molested by a teenage boy who was a friend of the family. My brother was only three, and as far as I know, he doesn’t know that it ever happened, as I’ve never told him about it, and he was so young I doubt he remembers.
Then, when I was seven, I had a teenage babysitter watch me one evening, and they molested me for hours.
When I was 15, an adult man tried to molest me but I stopped him. I was 15 now and I wasn’t ever going to let that happen to me again.
But as my life went on, even though I was no longer getting molested, I had best friends betray me, girlfriends cheat on me, and trauma after trauma, the pain seemed never-ending.
Healing and Moving On
Present day, my life is NOTHING like it was in the past. For over three decades of my life, I endured a lot of pain, and to be quite honest, the vast majority of it was self-inflicted.
After I got off opiates and got healthy in body, mind, and spirit, I was so grateful to have a second chance at life.
I decided to start over.
I didn’t repress the past nor forget the horrible things that happened to me and the awful things I did to myself and others, but I made a conscioius decision to look forward.
I chose to learn how to not suck at life anymore.
My recovery has been nothing short of a fucking miracle.
Here it is over six years after conquering opiate addiction, and life is great. But even more impressive than that is the fact that my life quickly got better right after I got off heroin.
It all started with a simple intention to create a better life.
And the rest is history…
And I wouldn’t go back and change a thing.
Because all of the decisions I’ve made and actions I’ve taken have led me to here…
And “here” is a truly wonderful place.
I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in the world.
My Message to You
I think one of the main reasons my coaching clients feel so comfortable working with me is because of my empathy and nonjudgement towards them. There is truly nothing anyone can say they’ve done that would lead to me judging them or looking at them in a negative way.
I know from firsthand experience how opiate addiction can make some people lower their integrity and do things they would never do if they weren’t addicted to opiates.
If you’re feeling guilty or shameful about things you’ve done in your past, please have compassion for yourself.
We all make mistakes, and that’s just part of being human. We live and we learn, right?
Plus...You can change your life anytime you desire.
And most importantly, if fear is preventing you from moving forward…
If you feel stuck in a rut and it just seems too hard to change…
And if you’re currently dependent on opioids and wanting to break free from your chains of addiction…
I have a message for you:
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT IN LIFE BUT YOU HAVE TO USE COURAGE TO TAKE ACTION IN SPITE OF FEAR.
That’s it.
If you want to get off opioids and create the life of your dreams, where you’re happy, healthy, love your work or business, fulfilled, and living a life of meaning…
Go make it happen.
Ya Ya…I know. You’re going to have to endure a bit of temporary pain but once you do that, you’ll be free. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be to change.
So if your addiction is even 1/10 as bad as mine was, I encourage you to make a decision right here and now that you will no longer be a slave to opioid dependence.
Take back control of your life.
Don’t live another day as a slave to a stupid drug that controls your every decision and action.
I’m living proof that the biggest fuckup can make a 180-degree turnaround.
Now it’s your time to shine.
Go out there and show the world and yourself what you’re really made of.
You’re a beautiful soul. You’re good enough. You’re worthy. You’re amazing. And you’re truly capable of changing your life.
Take good care of yourself, and if you have any comments or questions, I’d love to read and respond to them.
People who have never been addicted to a substance will NEVER understand!!!
In my case they just put me down and make me feel like crap .
I have been following you for about one year and you provide not only the best information on this topic you provide it free. We have similar stories of heinous trauma the difference is your free. I’m on a low dose of Suboxone and all attempts at getting off have turned fatal. I can’t or haven’t been able to get past the no energy, severe depression aspect after I’m off Suboxone. I lost two amazing careers attempting to get off. I have been on Subs for over 10 years other than my last fatal attempt to get off which resulted in a 2 month herion binge, job lost, felony arrest, and financial hardship to my family which is my verbally and emotionally abusive husband and two beautiful children who are teenagers. Suboxone worked and gave me 6 amazing sober years but it’s not working anymore. Hair loss, teeth issues and my depression has taken hold of me. I honestly don’t see myself going on much longer in the state of mind I’m in. Now let me say something positive. I meditate faithfully twenty minutes per day 2 times per day, I go to 12 step meetings but can’t say I love them however I Keep going. Tried smart recovery and just didn’t click, trying Recovery Refuge LOVED it but I live almost hour from meetings for that. I cook dinner for my kids daily, make their lunches and write them notes of how much I love them and how amazing they are. It’s not enough anymore I need some serious support and my husband denies me that help OR I should say threatens all kinds of stuff. I have worked my entire life up until May of 17 and got unemployment up until December but my husband claimes I have never contributed which is not true. I’m getting off course sorry. Im adopted don’t have mom or dad to ask for help my grandma and grandpa passed 10 years ago they adopted me. When you’re so down, so lazy and depressed how will I climb out, I hundred percent understand why people take their own life .
Hi Tena,
Thanks for sharing some of the stories of your life and how you got to this present situation. I really hope that you can either find a good support group or a great counselor or both, as it seems like that is the main thing missing from your life. Your husband is not supportive, and raising a family and being in your position means you need people to talk to about it and get support. I’ve never heard of Recovery Refuge but if you really LOVED it then perhaps a 1x a week two-hour drive would be worth it? You could even listen to audibles so you can learn wonderful things on the drive. Life is a series of ups and downs and I know with you resilience you can get through this situation and anything else life throws your way. I’m here for you and you can email me too. You never have to be alone and keep everything inside.
Tena, I sure empathize with you. I’ve
Been on and off Methadone since 1972 and just CANT seem to get off of it. I was thinking of suboxone but the transition is more than I’ve
Been able to handle. What really caught me was it sounds like you do the same technique as I twice a day. (TM). It has helped so much. I had some years of total clean time and
My experiences with meditation were so,so profound. I still reap tremendous benefits from it too.
I wish you the best. Keep on keeping on because although I depend on Methadone, I’m clean and have
Become very productive. Far better
Than ripping and running.
Peace be with you👍🏻
Matt, I hope this post is ok because I don’t want to seem like I am trying to ‘poach’ people. Hi Tena, I run a Facebook support group called ‘Codeine Addiction’ but members have addictions to every kind of opioid going including heroin. Many are also on either Suboxone, Subutex or Methadone. So many of their stories are exactly like yours and I feel so extremely privileged to know each and every one of them. How many of them are still alive today is simply a miracle – the life challenges they have and do face seem insurmountable, child sexual abuse, rape, abandonment, all kinds of mental and emotional trauma, multiple mental illness’s the list just goes on and on and many people are really struggling to want to ‘go on’. A lot of the material I use is from Matt’s website (thank you Matt 🙂 ) because I have yet to find a more complete and comprehensive website on the planet dealing with opioid addiction, I can only begin to imagine how much time and effort has gone into all his work and he has taught me a great deal for which I am extremely grateful as it has helped so many. My point is if you wanted to join it is a safe confidential closed group where you can share your story and read similar stories to yourself (some people prefer to create an alias for privacy reasons). Everyone supports and encourages each other. We also have an addiction doctor in the group to answer medical questions and a pharmacist to answer pharmaceutical questions. We have so many people on Suboxone and some of the side effects are interesting and I am coming across new ones regularly. I was on Suboxone for 3 years and 9 months and was one of the lucky one’s who didn’t seem to have any side effects at all. Hair loss was the most recent one to come up but teeth issues is another problem that popped up. Matt would know more about this but a lot of people think its the Suboxone causing the teeth issues but it only does so indirectly. Suboxone can cause ‘dry mouth’. Not only does the saliva in your mouth start the process of digestion, but it helps to wash bacteria and food particles off your teeth and neutralize the harmful acids that come with it. Without this natural defense, plaque and bacteria can build up quickly at the base of your teeth, making you more susceptible to bad breath, tooth decay and gum disease. You also lose saliva’s ability to help repair and remineralize weak tooth enamel. Anyway, you can find our public and closed pages on Facebook 🙂
Mark that is awesome of you to invite her to the group!!! Sounds like the perfect place to get that support when there is no place else to get it except a 2-hour roundtrip drive. The side effects of opioids can be mild, moderate, or severe and it depends on so many factors. But I remember having red flaky facial skin on Suboxone, and cystic acne all up my back which was gross. As soon as I got off Suboxone, the back acne (backnee?) went away and my facial skin got better. I never had teeth issues, but I was only on Suboxone for a few months. What really messed my teeth up the most was many years of being a chronic alcoholic that rarely brushed my teeth. That caused me severe dental hygiene issues. Thankful everything is fixed now. A lot of my past patients on long-term methadone had teeth rotting and falling out, and I saw some Suboxone side effects there too though not as bad at least from what I saw.
Hi, Man aren’t we all in a different world than the one we live on with there meds. How does someone go about getting into the Facebook group ?
I’m 43 and a mother of 5 children. I became chronically ill and had to stop working about 10 years ago but the last few years have been really hard. I let the doctors over prescribe meds to me and now I’m on so much stuff, I’m afraid. I’ve been looking all day into ways to detox at home but it seems so scary. I also don’t have a much supportive husband as Tens, so that makes it a lot harder to suffer alone. My youngest girls are 7 and 8, so I still need to be alert and alive to raise them.
I’m wearing a fentynal patch, morphine, and oxy all on a daily basis. I’ve been putting off back surgery and have bad arthritis so just stuck. Need real help.
Hi Lisa, the majority of our members are mums like your self so you will receive enormous support and understanding. The Facebook page is called ‘Codeine Addiction’. There is a public page and a closed group. I’m not sure if I am permitted to post links but this is a direct link to the closed group https://www.facebook.com/groups/268594173616447/
Thank you for sharing your powerful story, & for all you do to try & support people changing their lives. As I always tell my clients, drugs &/or alcohol addiction is not the real problem, but rather a symptom of the problem. We all use to self-medicate some type of internal pain, but there is hope to work through traumas that may have happened to us. Sharing our stories helps others heal besides ourselves, & I thank you again for being a part of the solution. 🙂
My pleasure, Lise. I’ve written so much about supplements, medications, and other withdrawal remedies, and personal development, spirituality, and several other topics, but now I’m feeling pulled to write more vulnerable things and also to write more upcoming articles about addiction as a way of masking pain, other solutions than the biochemical stuff, etc.
Thanks for your support and encouragement. It does mean a lot to me and I highly value and also respect your opinions and feedback. By the way, my article on AA is coming out soon. I think you’re going to really love it. Even though I don’t go to AA anymore, it really helped me in the past, and in addition, literally, some of the most selfless and spiritual, kind and loving people I’ve ever met were products of that product. More on that soon…
Glad to hear that, Matt, because as far as getting in to that more “ugly, painful, & hard stuff like low self worth, forgiving ourselves, resentments & anger, & trying to make amends for our behaviors/hurting others during our using days, AA & NA have a lot to offer some folks. Although addiction is addiction & it shouldn’t matter if it’s alcohol or other drugs, I have found more comfort & acceptance in the NA community where I live. Don’t get me wrong, there are many AA meetings & others in those rooms that are wonderfully supportive, but for me having struggling w/ pain pills, I just feel more comfortable in the rooms of NA.
Thank you again for sharing all you do & helping people change their lives.
My clean date is 9/21/06.😊
That’s actually one of the key points I’m going to make in the article. AA and NA and all the other 12-step programs are quite wonderful, yet some of the people and meetings, in general, aren’t a good reflection of it.
At the meetings I went to it was nicknamed “The Freak Show.” It was the sickest of the sick and not a lot of old timers. I would always get bummed out when a meeting wasn’t good.
Nowadays, looking back, I realize that I was always going there to “get something from it.” If I were to ever go again, which I’m not, but in an alternate reality if I did…I would go to HELP people and I would make it my personal goal every meeting to MAKE a meeting awesome by being a shining light, by sharing the message with passion, and by reaching out to newcomers and by talking to everyone from my heart, and feeling my heart and their hearts while I’m talking.
So that’s something I’ll include in my article. If someone goes to a meeting they don’t like for whatever reason, there are more meetings to find, and other 12-step groups, and other types of self-help groups in general.
But it only takes “one person’s share” to lift the entire vibration of the meeting and help everyone leave that hour-long meeting feeling better off than they came.
It’s never AA or NA that I had the true issue with. It was just that I felt I was meant for a different path and trusted and followed that intuition. Had I stayed there or NA, I would’ve gone down a much different path of and this blog likely would never have come to be.
I did some flip-flopping between AA and NA and no matter what drug I was on, no matter what program, no matter what meeting, it just never felt right to me. I’ve gotten to where I am today by listening to that intuition.
So for me, those programs did help me learn a lot, and got me through some VERY hard times, but in the end, I just didn’t become a lifer, but some of the most amazing people I know that I’m proud to say I’m friends with are. They are the ones that are such positive role models for what the program can do to help someone transform when they adopt a spiritual and service-centered (rather than self-centered) way of living.
I can tell you’re obviously one of those positive role models too that is a product of that method of recovery. And I thank you for following this blog and giving me feedback as to how I can make it more well-rounded and better. I really appreciate that, and I trust that you’ll continue to show me areas I am not hitting on that are important. You’re so awesome, and congrats on your clean date that is so amazing! 🙂
I tried NA & AA back in 95 or so. I found I could identify better in NA yet I found a distinct difference between Heroin , cocaine, speed, Reds, and to my surprise some said they were Marijuana addicts. In spite of say a Cocaine user telling a heroin addict they understand, I took what I could use and left the rest. An NA saying at that! lol I haven’t been to a meeting in over 20 years but I do have 33 without alcohol and honestly I don’t remember my last fix. On a lighter side I find that now I’m a real Senior I spend more time making sure my loved ones will have and what to expect in the other side. Lol It’s funny to me. In my 21st Birthday I OD’d, I’ll be 65 in about 10 days. I went thru a tunnel to a brite light and when I was ready to cross I heard: Your Not Ready Yet. I was instantly coming too with EMT’s trying to break my ribs with compressions and yanking an intubation tube out of my mouth. I HATED the fact I was sent back because the experience of just approaching the light was beyond any bliss I e ever known. I knew I couldn’t cheat and rush back so I’ve lived another 44 years. Point is I believe we’re here to give God experience and wrong doing is within yourself. Although I still wrestle with doing loved ones wrong back in the day. Experience is just that, an experienceand I never took God to prison but I sure gave him/her some wild times!!! Lol
I wish the best to all my brothers and sisters wrapped up in the game. All our times will come.
<3 <3 <3
Thank you so much Matt. Your article could not be more timely because it is the very theme we are focusing on in my codeine addiction support group starting yesterday which is all about stigma and sharing stories of well known people who are not ashamed to tell their story. We started with Matthew Perry who I know is going through a difficult phase at present. If someone in cancer remission has a flare up everyone is full of sympathy but if an addict has a flare up especially a high profile one there is little sympathy to be had and there needs to be no distinction between the 2 ‘diseases’. Number 2 was Jada Pinkett Smith and Number 3 is Matt Finch 🙂 My Sincerest thanks for being so open, I know every addict reading will ‘get it’, we all know what lengths we will or have gone too to ward off withdrawals. We shame ourselves so many times I think we actually become immune to it…
Hi Mark,
I’m glad this article came out at such a perfect time for your Codeine Addiction Support Group. Hooray! And I agree with you 100% about people needing to treat addiction as a mental/physical/spiritual/social health dilemma and not looking upon addicts with judgment and disgust. I believe now more than ever the world is taking a big turn down the pathway of seeing ourselves as separate from everyone else and there are so much judgment and ego-centeredness. Even going on a Facebook is a constant reminder of how angry so many people have become, and people are just looking for others to blame. Thanks for writing in and I appreciate everything you do. I also think it’s funny that you put me up in a list with high profile people but I guess many people may look at me as high profile nowadays? I certainly don’t feel that way, but perhaps is because I’m not in the national spotlight, only this little niche community of others that have a passion for opiate recovery. This was a hard article to hit the “Publish” button and I actually thought about not doing so after I wrote it. But I’m glad I did. Keep up with your awesome work and I know we’ll stay in touch through the years as we are both passionate about the same cause. Take care, Mark, and talk to you soon.
Matt, you have no idea how good you really were in comparison to me. Burglary, robbery, lost my family’s home, stole from any and all to feed a $1000 a Day habit. It’s the ugliest, Meanest drug in existence and although I haven’t used heroin in many years I can’t forgive the things I did. Thanks for your story..
Hi Irv,
It sure is a spectrum right? I’ve done a lot worse things than money, but there are many people that have past or even current addictions that make mine look not so bad.
Regardless, I know for a fact after seeing the results of studies that true addiction bypasses the prefrontal cortex and lives in the midbrain, which is responsible for survival.
Addition hijacks our midbrain and quite literally, a true addict will link “survival itself” to using the drug. And when you combine this brain wiring with the fact that the prefrontal cortex is not too involved as well, it’s an awful brain wiring situation.
So whenever I hear friends or people on Facebook or other article comment sections or YouTube comments when there are disgust and hatred toward the often “bad behavior” of addicts, I just wish more people actually understood the many mechanisms of the addiction disorder and why it’s not just as easy as “choosing to stop.”
And so Irv, I really encourage you to forgive yourself for every single thing you did in the past. It doesn’t excuse what you did, and it doesn’t mean you or others condone it, but you realize that your brain was so messed up from the addiction that it was nearly impossible to stop, even though you were like a hurricane in your life and the lives of those closest to you.
I really believe that forgiving what we’ve done as well as forgiving others that have hurt us is one key to healing. I’ve had a really hard time forgiving others that were supposed to never harm me but actually stabbed me in the back brutally.
There were two people within the past two years in specific that I’ve had a lot of anger and resentment towards for what they did to me, and it was only within the past couple of months that I finally released my anger and made a choice to forgive them.
They hurt me so bad, and it made me not want to trust people anymore. But I realized that I just need to have more discernment with who I choose to allow in my life, and I also need to accept and embrace the fact that it could happen again.
Who knows, but I released my anger and resentment toward them and forgave them and now, I’m happier and “lighter” than ever and I feel so much peace.
So I hope that you can learn how to forgive yourself because everyone deserves to be forgiven. I’ve also seen you very active on this blog over at least the last year if not longer.
You regularly respond to people’s comments and you give them both education, compassion, and hope.
I look at you as my “Unofficial Comment Assistant” as you’ve really added so much value to this blog.
And for that I sincerely thank you! Please keep it up that I along with everyone else who reads your post wants you to forgive yourself for the things you did during your addiction when you were a “sick” person, not a “bad” person.
I couldn’t agree more w/ Matt’s comments on forgiveness. It’s brutally hard for many of us to forgive ourselves, but if we don’t at some point, I think we risk relapse since using is SO much about medicating both physical & psychic/emotional pain. I had a very hard time forgiving myself for some of my actions during active addiction, & that kept me feeling unworthy of a better life. Lots of self-loathing kept me really stuck & not surprisingly, I spent about 3 yrs on the get clean/relapse roller coaster; that just sucked & kept me from living life. I hope you can start forgiving yourself more, Irv, & giving yourself credit for all I’m sure you’ve changed for the better since your using days.
I use a lot of quotes in my personal & professional lives, & this one echoes what Matt said & just nails it, imo;
“Addiction is not simply a disease of willpower; it’s a disease of instinct. It lives in the part of the brain that tells you to breathe.”